Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
