I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
