Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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