A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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