Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
