Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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