i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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