im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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