The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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