WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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