Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
