I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
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And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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