I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I need to calm my uterus...
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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