The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
