My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
