I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.