Im at strip club and am horny
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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