you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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