there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
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screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
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I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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