I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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