You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
