so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
