He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
