just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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