i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
