She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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