i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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