alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My penis needs a shock collar
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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