He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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