piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
