Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
