hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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