Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
