You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
