He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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