You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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