I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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