hell yes lets make some ravioli
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
