Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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