my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
