there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
