Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
