I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
