The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
