life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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