I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
