Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
whose parrot is this?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Let's get the cat blown out
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
