Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
