i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
