I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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