Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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