Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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