he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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