Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
