How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Randomize
