dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
