There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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